Self-help typically tells you that you need community. And to expand on that, it tells you that empathic people seek solitude because they feel the world isn't safe, and so they isolate. Well, this is partially true. Empathic people, yes, will isolate, but it's not just that people are unsafe. That is only a small fraction of what is taking place.

When you're empathic, the world is filled with noise. Like an antenna for a radio station not fully tuned into its frequency, we tend to absorb all the energy in the room. Then it starts to leak out because the nervous system goes into overdrive and can't contain that much energy while trying to process all the data it just consumed. Filtering what is yours, what is someone else’s, and where to hold on and where to let go gets so entangled that you feel like you're drowning in a sea of emotions. Until you learn to ground yourself, it's all unfiltered noise, leaving you to feel suffocated by the presence of people around you. Being surrounded begins to feel like the loneliest of places. Everyone seems to feel they matter, and yet no one stops to look at you and ask if you are alright.

Indeed, empaths are constantly scanning a room, energetically and emotionally, to see where all the danger hotspots are. They naturally and unconsciously create baselines for those around them, and the slightest deviation in behavior or tone sends red flags to the nervous system that danger is present because something just shifted.

It is also true that empaths mirror those in their surroundings. We are told this is how empaths become people pleasers and care more about what others need than themselves. But this is not based on factuality.

When we are children, we naturally absorb energy. We exist in the frequency of theta state, which is the state of absorption. It is the child’s natural state to mirror their surroundings and those within the environment to survive, because they are still too small to survive on their own.

The part no one tells you is that if the environment during childhood is unstable, unsafe, or chaotic, like mine was, It creates distortion. In my case, I was raised by two narcissistic and severely traumatized adults, surrounded by friends and family riddled with addiction, mental illness, abuse, and absolutely no language for what they were going through.

That kind of environment doesn’t just allow bad things to slip in. It becomes a breeding ground for misalignment, an ecosystem that nurtures fragmentation within a child who is still in the process of forming their identity.

And when that happens, something inside of them begins to splinter, becoming fractured. The child’s sense of self that is still developing becomes distorted. They lose touch with the natural coherence of who they are. Instead of becoming whole, they become a distorted reflection, shaped by the chaos.

You end up with one of two outcomes: heightened sensitivity, which we call empathic. Or dulled-down sensitivity, what we call Narcissistic Personality. Yet only one of these outcomes made it into the DSM as a clinical diagnosis.

Empaths are labeled "Highly Sensitive Persons" and categorized under psychic abilities in specific communities. In recent years, some have tried to conjure the theory of a "Dark Empath" as a way to clinically diagnose an actual empath, or to explain erratic behavior that doesn’t fit the narrative of what a “selfless person” is supposed to look like.

Let’s pause and be clear: the DSM says "lacking empathy" when describing a narcissistic personality. This doesn’t mean they have no empathy. It means they learned to lower their sensitivity to survive childhood, and they carried that into adulthood.

So why am I telling you all this? Because, bluntly, it matters. And it matters because if you’ve made it this far, then something inside you

feels what I’m saying. You’ve spent most of your life attracting people who are not only emotionally unavailable, but emotionally incapable of loving you the way you need to be loved. You more than likely attract narcissistic personalities. And you’ve probably been told it’s because they seek you out to find a new victim to feed off of. That could not be further from the truth.

And if I’m wrong, ask yourself: why are you still reading?

What you sense when meeting a narcissistic personality. or vice versa, is the feeling of something familiar. They fit in all the right ways, and some in the wrong ways. But either way, there is a sense of belonging. A strong sense of feeling at home. It’s almost too easy to fall into them and lose yourself.

Have you ever asked yourself why?

Empaths mirror naturally. And what you’re both looking at, is a reflection. It’s human nature to move toward a reflection that feels so familiar, it might just be your own. When you combine the two personalities, you get a full picture of a wound from childhood, reflected back to you. It’s the other half of the story.

It’s the shadow self.